Necessary Trauma?

*Trigger warning, especially to victims of sexual assault*

I’ve watched a few shows lately that prominently portrayed scenes of rape. My response to the most recent one was visceral. I had a hard time falling asleep because of just how disturbing it had been, not just the portrayal but the reality that it referenced.

In the wake of the #MeToo movement, society collectively learned how prevalent sexual assault and rape continue to be. The “1 in 5” statistic proved to be demonstrably false (or at least understated) as much higher ratios of women shared their stories of assault and we can only guess how many continued to be silent for reasons that can be well understood.

I felt traumatized watching a rape scene that I knew was not real. I felt sick and depressed. I’ve felt that way before, and stopped watching certain shows because it was too much. Recent news about sexual assault both locally with my alma mater, Bloomsburg University, and nationally with Bill Cosby being released on a technicality, have definitely affected me as well. I am not bringing this up to complain or seek pity, so please don’t think that. If anything, the feeling I felt most strongly was guilt.

Modern society in the US and around the world, for all of their progress and even the successes of recent movements, have not moved the needle on sexual assault and violence against women. We could point to the atrocities in India as proof of it, but we don’t need to even look that far, as our former president bragged about sexual assault and was defended and praised by even the most pious of “evangelical leaders.” They said that they were not electing a “pastor” but a leader… I say that only a faith that has no respect for women whatsoever could seek to be led by such a man. But as has been said before, he was a symptom of a much greater malady, not the disease itself.

My guilt is that of a man who has been a part of this society, seen the atrocities and still been blind to them. Having witnessed the actions and behavior of so many men, how was it that I was surprised at the prevalence of sexual assault? How was it that hearing stories from those close to me brought on anger that hadn’t been there before? Is it also a somewhat twisted sense of the obligation of a man to protect the women around him? As archaic/old fashioned as that idea may be, my god have we failed at it. Honestly, it now strikes me as a protection racket…

I am grateful to the late Dr. Gloria Cohen-Dion, a political science professor of mine at Bloomsburg University, who shared with us writings about sexual violence, power, and how men benefit from the “threat of rape.” I think that concept took a while to sink in, and quite possibly, I still don’t understand it fully, but I always remember it. I really wish I could find that piece today, re-read, and share it. What sticks out to me about it was that this type of violence against women has been used as a weapon so much throughout history, that under the surface, it is always there. That a man’s anger or aggression will always have this underlying threat beneath it and that very real element of fear is a power that all men carry. That’s some heavy shit… That’s also some guilt that men need to sit with.

While I am very uncertain about my feelings on the realistic and frequent portrayals of this material in popular cable shows like Outlander and Game of Thrones, I am at least grateful for the emotions that have been brought about. It is not something I wanted to think about or be affected by, but that is a luxury that too many women do not have.

The episode most being referenced is written about in this article: https://ew.com/tv/outlander-season-5-finale-claire-shocker/